I’m too weak

I’m fascinated by her looks of infinite sadness, despite her fake smile. The face of this little girl is filled, eaten up by her two big brown eyes. I have her face on dozens of photos, taken under different angles. Sometimes she looks the objective, sometimes she stares into emptiness. The hardest is when her eyes dive into mine.

In every picture of her, a man’s sex. Close to her face, in her mouth or in her hands. Without being a doctor, I think she is five or six years old. I’m fully into a forensic assessment on child pornography photos.

I’m alone in my office, at home, door closed, with ban on disturbing me to my children. I hear them pass near the window laughing. It’s shining, it’s a beautiful weekend of spring. 

New photo, always of her. Her big eyes obsess me. Her little naked body seems so fragile that we want to protect her, to go through the screen to prevent this man from approaching her, from hurting her, from raping her. But I’m powerless to act, I can only watch and take notes for my report.

I’m ashamed of my weakness, of my reactions, of my sensibility. So many people work in difficult conditions : doctors, firemen, “gendarme”, policemen etc. But they help each other, talk to each other, shares, evacuates in words all of the horrors they are next to.

Me, I’m alone. I don’t have any training to manage what I feel, what I see. I’m a simple IT that help the justice. I only have this blog.

Next photo. It has been three hours now that, my brain is absorbing those photos, I’m inventorying them. I’m taking a break, closing my eyes. Why can’t I contain my tears ? I am a human being, I consider nothing that is human alien to me (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terence).
I’m a weakling.

I return to my investigations, a little apathetic. Nothing force me to spend as much time on each photo. I accelerate the visualization. Other girls, other faces, other ages, other men, so many positions.

It’s late, the night is advanced. I finish my report, I write the annexes, burn the DVDs. To make easier the reading of the paper report by the “OPJ”, court recorders and magistrates, I avoid illustrations, I reject them at the end of the report, enclosed.
I chose some photos among the most significant. I chose those where this children looks the camera with her big sad eyes, with in her mouth that man’s sex as large as her head.

I still have this picture in my head.
I’ve to manage my emotions.
Other experts are able to do that.
I’m too weak.

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Translation by TearsOfSky.
Photo credit chilloutpoint.com

The original note is here: http://zythom.blogspot.fr/2013/09/je-suis-trop-faible.html